Song for Kelly

I seen that film, American Pie

Where a bloke fucked the food, so I gave it a try

My technique was slightly off-key

It involved tinned meat and a pop celebrity

I wouldn't hurt her if I saw her on the street

But I wanna make a statue just of Kelly for me

You know, it all started way back when

Using spam to carve Boys II Men

I used bacon to make Rusty Lee

Kelly Osbourne, you're my meat fantasy

You're always there when I need to talk

And I love the way your fingers and your toes are made (from pork)

I made a corned beef Kelly Osbourne

And I fucked it when I was watching porn

I made a corned beef Kelly Osbourne

And I fucked it when I was watching porn

Minimum content, 3% meat

I trimmed the fat off, it looked really neat

Made the torso and shaped the thighs

But I'm stuck, I've got nothing for the eyes

Fluid dripping like a running tap

When I warm my meat up and rub it on the lap

Making bacon with reformed ham

People pay money for this in Amsterdam

Meat fantasies often give me the horn

But nothing like a corned beef Kelly Osbourne

You're divine, so sexy, so tasty

Like meat in a pie when I penetrate the pastry

This girl I was with had a vag like corned beef

It was all smashed up and I thought it had teeth

I thought kebab was on the main course

So I covered it in my own special garlic sauce

I made a corned beef Kelly Osbourne

And I fucked it when I was watching porn

I made a corned beef Kelly Osbourne

And I fucked it when I was watching porn

I fucked a corned beef Kelly Osbourne

I fucked a corned beef Kelly Osbourne

Y'know

Sit back kid, take a book outta my leaf

I love to fuck a pile of sweaty sticky beef

Down Aldi's they're looking at me funny

Twelve tins of corned beef now it's a cunny

Ooh, I'm gonna fuck you, right here, right now

Make a mess with my stiff, gonna show you how

Stick it in, watch the foreskin

Try to fuck the tin, rip my banjo string

Cos you knows I wanna fuck that prime fillet cut

With a bit of lippy dressed up like a slut

Getting down on the floor for a bit of screwing

'Til someone said "oi wanker, what you doing?"

Threw me out, I raised an objection

With corned beef still stuck to my erection

So what, fuck 'em, I don't give a toss

I'm going home with a Fray Bentos

I made a corned beef Kelly Osbourne

And I fucked it when I was watching porn

I made a corned beef Kelly Osbourne

And I fucked it when I was watching porn

Meat fantasies (meaty meaty meat)

Meat fantasies (meaty meaty meat)

Meat fantasies (meaty meaty meat)

Meat fantasies

Meat fantasies

Aaah, that's right, back with the rhythm

Like a Ginster's pasty covered in jism

Meaty bitches out on a binge

I'm going home with a corned beef minge

Shagging the meat, but I ain't mincing

Hiding my eyes to stop me gagging and wincing

At the smell of the rancid spammy clam

As a steak tenderiser goes "bam bam bam!"

Madame Tussauds you got nothing on me

I got my own meatworks laboratory

All Saints and Spice Girls and miss Zeta-Jones

All I want is the meat, don't care about the bones

I tried sex shops, I tried DVDs

It don't mean shit compared to meats like these

Aspic jelly, and a coating of lard

These are the things that make my penis go hard

I made a corned beef Kelly Osbourne

And I fucked it when I was watching porn

I made a corned beef Kelly Osbourne

And I fucked it when I was watching porn

I made a corned beef Kelly Osbourne

And I fucked it when I was watching porn

I made a corned beef Kelly Osbourne

And I fucked it when I was watching porn

I fucked a corned beef Kelly Osbourne

I fucked a corned beef Kelly Osbourne

Y'knows